New Cover

This is for the 2010 continuity. All the covers for the series are cool.

Me

A friend challenged me to take a personality test.

This is me.

Or maybe I should say...this is me?

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.



I think my family would probably agree that the above description fits, but I think when it really comes to knowing me, all a person has to do is look at what I value. The picture says it all. That is me.

As we write, it is good to know who our characters are, and it is just as important to know where they come from. After all, the one is completely and absolutely connected to the other.

"But I Don't Feel Like Writing,"

the author whines, and then she sits her butt down in the chair and she writes.

And writes.

And writes.

That has been my week.

Writing.

Not really wanting to but having to.

Not because I have a deadline or because I'm getting paid or because I want my career to continue.

But because I am compelled.

I must write. When I don't, I become grumpy and irritable. When I don't, I feel as if a part of myself is missing. When I don't, I am not as relaxed as I think I should be.

Writing, after all, is work. Being away from work should make me happy.

But it doesn't.

Because my work stems from something inside that I cannot put words to. It is an obsession, a passion, a need.

Which sound really strange and slightly off.

But it is what it is.

I was a strange kid. A bookworm. An imaginative child. The kid who sat in the back of class and daydreamed about other worlds and other lives.

Now, I am a writer, and my dreams come to life on paper. Those other worlds and other lives take wing as my fingers move along the keyboard. My writing isn't always good, and it is seldom great, but I still write.

Word after word after word.

Until a page is done and then a chapter and then a book.

It has occurred to me that true success in writing must lie in the author's obsession with the craft. How else do we force ourselves to do what we don't feel like doing? How else can we possibly tend to all that needs doing in the real world and then, when we are exhausted and needing a break, turn our attention to our characters and their worlds?

So, I don't feel like writing, but I will.

It is, quite simply, who I am.

This Year I Resolve

To stop and smell the roses.

This past year and a half has been a whirlwind of activity. We moved clear across country. We flew halfway around the world to meet our new daughter. During this time, I also managed to keep our heads above water as far as homeschooling and kids' activities. I wrote five books. And I did copy edits for them and AAs and art fact sheets.

These are all worthy things. They are all things I am happy and content to spend my time doing.

However, in my rush to finish everything that must be done, I often forget to take time to breathe.

So, I've resolve to slow down.

Strangely, as I think of what 'slow down' means, I realize that it does not mean cutting back on what I'm doing. I am fully capable of getting kids to activities, homeschooling, writing and breathing. The problem comes when I put off until tomorrow what I really could and should do today.

Seriously, it is much easier to put things off than to face them. That pile of laundry? I can do it tomorrow. Grading the kids' papers? I can do it tomorrow. Write 2000 words? That'll fit in tomorrow, too.

But it doesn't.

Putting things off piles them up.

And I don't need any more piles.

What I need more of is this -



Time to be still, to daydream, to let my imagination soar. It is in those quiet moments of reprieve from my hectic pace that I hear most clearly God's direction for my life.

So, the next part of my resolution is to do what must be done now and then to do nothing at all. For minutes or hours. To walk or sit or dance in those moments of freedom, and to let every bit of life's joy seep into my pores. To let myself be awash in hopes and dreams and imagination. To allow myself to hear His call to action or to stillness.

Therein lies the secret to doing all that must be done.

May your new year be filled with deep breaths of pure joy!

Editor Speak

I thought Running Blind would be my last book in the Heroes for Hire miniseries. Yesterday, my editor emailed to approve the proposal and suggested that I 'stretch' the series. She said that she and my senior editor had talked about it and they thought it would be a good idea.

The words she used were....perhaps consider.

Now, I knew I could take that literally and perhaps consider writing up a proposal for a few more Heroes for Hire books. I mean, my darling editor would never force me to write books I didn't want to write.

On the other hand, I'd never actually had an editor suggest I continue a series, so I figured that the suggestion was a gentle nudge in the right direction. The direction my editors wanted me to go, that is.

And that was fine.

I had toyed around with the idea of writing a few more Heroes for Hire books, but this business is tricky. If my editors really liked the concept of the first three books then selling a few more would be relatively easy. If they didn't really like the concept, then the proposal might not make it to contract.

And I really didn't want to write something they didn't want.

That's the hard thing about this business. An author has to balance what she wants to write with what readers want to read and what editors want to buy. It's great when those three things line up, but sometimes we've got great ideas that just won't make it in the market right now.

So, we must study the market and what our targeted publishing house is buying. Then we must adjust our needs as creative beings to suit the market trends.

I know people who would disagree with me on this and who insist that authors should write what they want. I think they are right. To a point. It is good to write what you are passionate about, but if you continue to get feedback from editors that indicates that your book was a good read but didn't quite fit the line, then you might perhaps consider (ha!) figuring out what the editors do want and tailoring your book to fit their needs.

Doing this does not mean selling out or giving in. It simply means being pragmatic about the business. Trends are what they are. What sells sells. It isn't really the editor's choice any more than it is the writer's. A good book that won't sell is a book that the editor cannot buy.

An writer who loves the craft can craft a story that fulfills his creative needs and still meets the market trends.

If you're curious to know what Love Inspired Suspense seems to be buying now, I'd say they're leaning toward very suspenseful and action packed stories. I've seen a trend toward slightly more gritty tales since the new senior editor arrived. She wants very compelling first chapters that immediately grab the reader and give a sense of the danger and suspense that is to come.

That is, of course, simply my assessement as an author, but I think it will hold true for most people submitting to the line.

If you happen upon this blog and have any questions you'd like to ask regarding the Love Inspired Suspense line feel free to email me at shirlee@shirleemccoy.com.

One Way?

While I absolutely agree there is only one way to Heaven, I'm completely opposed to the idea that there is only one way to write a book. That's why it always surprises me when I visit writing forums and read threads posted by authors and aspiring authors that outline the correct way to - brainstorm, plot, character sketch, edit, revise, etc, etc.

Sure, it's great to share ideas, but ideas alone don't write a book. They certainly can't get a person published. Sometimes, I think too many ideas muddle the process and make focusing on what really matters difficult.

What matters?

Writing compelling characters and interesting plots.

This is something that cannot be taught. It is something that must be learned word by word, page by page. It is the product of observation, imagination and good story telling ability. It comes from somewhere deep inside, and, while it can be shaped, it can only be harnessed by hard work and commitment to the craft.

So, if you're thinking of buying a How To writing book for Christmas, don't. Save your money and spend your time. Time building a plot that makes sense. Time creating characters that are three dimensional. Time learning to be better at the work you're doing.

Listen to yourself and your own instincts.

You may be surprised at how far that takes you.

Beginning Again

Today, I'll begin writing the proposal for the Love Inspired Suspense 2011 continuity. The six book series centers around the murder of a Texas Ranger, and during the course of the books, that and several other mysteries will be solved.

I've always enjoyed working on continuity series. It's fun to try to weave a seamless story arc when six authors with six distinct voices are doing the weaving. In this series, my book will be the last, and it will be my job to tie up all the loose ends.

I was originally offered the first slot in the continuity but had a conflicting deadline, so book #6 it is.

I mention that because I suspect my editor is worried about me being the one to tie up the loose ends.

Not, of course, that she doesn't have complete confidence in me. But we've worked together for a lot of years, and she knows my strengths and weaknesses as an author. If asked she'd probably say that I write compelling, clean, well-written stories and I turn them in on time. If pressed, she'd probably admit that I have a tendency to get lost in the stories and forget the details.

That's okay, though. As I always say to my kids, "We've all got strengths and weaknesses. It is our job to grow in the areas where we are strong and to work on strengthening the areas where we are weak."

And now it is time for me to live what I say.

So, I'll begin this story by writing the synopsis. Generally, I write the first three chapters and then write the synopsis. That gives me a chance to get to know the characters before I have to face the torturous process of writing them into a long summary. This time, because I've got other characters from other stories to get to know, I'll begin with the synopsis.

If it seems as if I am repeating the same thing over and over again, it's because I am. I do not want to ever write the synopsis, so writing it first is at the bottom of my list of things to do. I'm hoping if I say that I'm going to do it enough times, I'll eventually convince myself and get working.

So...here we go again with more emphasis:

My goal is to have the synopsis finished before Christmas.

Considering how long it usually takes me, that'll be pushing it.

Anyway, I've got a goal, and goals must always be part of the writing process.

Right?

Right.

So, what are you working on?

Questions

The best questions are the kind that have no answers. These are the questions that help me begin a story. Often, I'll see a house, an abandoned car, a person whose face simply screams for me to pay attention, and the questions will start.

Who?

Why?

How?

And then the story will begin.

The other day, someone asked if I ever run out of story ideas. I don't, because I never run out of questions. What is hard is finding the determination to put those ideas and imaginings down on paper.

I say finding because we all have the ability to perform difficult tasks (and, make no mistake, writing a book is difficult). What seperates those who do from those who don't is the ability to channel hope and dream into work and action.

Each day, we wake up to a hundred responsibilties and a laundry-list of tasks. If we're married, we must think of our spouse's needs. If we have kids, we must help them along with their day. If we work, we must meet our obligations to our company and boss. If we are working at home, we must clean and cook and clean again. If we homeschool....well, I'm sure I've made my point by now.

So, we dream about writing. We think about it. We talk about it.

And, when it comes time for doing it, we are too tired, too busy, too braindead from too many hours spent working on other things.

Sunday, I sat at church trying desperately to look wide awake and interested. No offense to our pastor (who is a wonderful preacher and teacher), but I was so tired the words just weren't registering. And then the pastor said something that I have heard and read hundreds of times, and it was as if someone flipped a switch in my brain. Everything inside me sat up and took notice.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light

And it sounded so good.

Rest for your souls.

Rest for my soul.

Rest.

In this season of miracles, it is good to be reminded of the simplest of truths. It is good to remember the importance of dedication not just to our writing craft, but to our relationship with our Creator. As we make time to sit in quiet communion with God, we begin to free our souls of the stress and worry that bogs us down and keeps us from fulfilling His purpose and plan for our lives. As Christian authors, our relationship with Him must come first. When it does, everything else will fall into place.

Perhaps you thought this post was going to be about finding time to write.

In some ways it is.

It is about prioritizing and about knowing what is truly important.

Pursuing publication takes more than a story idea, it takes knowing without a doubt that you are doing what you should be. It takes believing with all your heart that you must write. It takes sacrifice of time and of energy and of rest. It is good, then, to know where our strength lies and to cling to that....cling to Him....as we continue our journey.

BTW, the photo above is an example of how everyday things spark my imagination. I was shooting photos of my children, and they were happy and smiling in every one of them. This shot, though, was different. Click on the photo and look at the expression on the face of my youngest. Look in her eyes and see if you don't start asking questions. Believe it or not, I've already got two story ideas. I also have an aching heart, but that is a discussion for another day.

Things You Don't Have to Do to Get Published

Lately, I've been perusing writing related forums and reading advice given by other writers. Their ideas certainly have value, but often I want to say, "None of that matters if an aspiring writer isn't able to listen to her own internal voice. None of it matters if she doesn't know how to write her own story with her own characters with her own plot that comes simply and completely from her own head."

If you noticed a theme, then I've done my job of over stressing the words her own.

Writing forums are great. Critique groups are wonderful. Conferences are fun. But none of those things matter if a writer isn't able to sit down by herself and craft a story.

I wrote three books completely on my own before I got published. I put words to paper, character to story, plot to page without anyone offering me advice on how to do it. My sisters (who are phenomenally creative and who are extremely talented in their own right), read the manuscripts after they were complete and offered me advice on everything from grammar to plot, but neither of them were published and neither knew squat about writing a book. I can remember the three of us laughing at my rookie mistakes though we had no idea there were names for them.

Pacing? What was that?

Point of view? Did it matter?

Goals, motivation, character arcs? Did anyone really care?

So, book one and two stunk and were shoved away. Book three was slightly better, and, after putting it aside for a few months, I pulled it out (while on bedrest and pregnant with my oldest daughter) and began reading as if the work were not mine, as if the story were a book I'd picked up off a shelf. A light bulb went off, and I recognized all those things I still didn't have words for. Pacing, point of view, character arcs and motivation. I rewrote the entire book in a few weeks, and sent a query off to Melissa Endlich. The rest, as they say, is history.

The point of this post is not to discuss my road to publication, though. The point is to make it clear that it is possible to get published without:

Knowing someone in the writing industry.

Going to conferences.

Entering contests.

Being in a critique group.

Following all the rules in every book ever written about writing a novel.

Paying someone to critique your work.

Though there is nothing wrong with the things I've listed, they can often dilute a writer's voice, stilt her creativity and sap some of the passion that must be part of the crafting of any novel. There is only one thing that matters when you're pursuing publication, and that is your ability to sit and write. It is your story, your voice and the unique soul you bring to your writing that will lead the way to success. Sometimes we need solitude to hear our own thoughts most clearly. Sometimes we need to be alone to truly listen to the heartbeat of our story.

Don't be afraid to be a maverick when it comes to writing. Pursue your craft with passion, with an honest eye for flow and detail and with the knowledge that you must be your own worst critic.

Friends and family may want this for you. Critique groups may be determined to help. In the end, though, you are the one who must make it happen. Write. Rewrite. Write again. Remember when things get tough and the ideas refuse to flow that each word is a paving stone on the path to publication. You and you alone are responsible for laying them down one by one, thought by thought until you finally reach your destination.

Ted Dekker's Rant and Other Things That Make Me Laugh

I'm afraid I wasn't able to jump on the bandwagon and give Ted Dekker a piece of my mind for the rude and condescending things he said about Steeple Hill Guidelines. The fact of the matter is, I can ill afford to give away even the smallest piece of my mind. The other fact of the matter is, I saw the rant (as it is being referred to) as nothing more than a desperate bid to get attention.

And, really, I've been condescended to before.

What I write isn't literary enough for some, isn't hot enough for others. It isn't real enough. Isn't Christian enough. Is too Christian. In the years I've been writing for Steeple Hill, I've heard it all.

When I first got published, I discovered two things. First, a LOT of people seem to want to be writers. Second, most people who want to be writers (but who have never actually finished writing a book) think that writing is easy. Especially if what is being written is romance.

I can't tell you how many times I heard, "Oh, you got published with Steeple Hill? Maybe I should try that."

As if by simply trying they would easily be able to accomplish what I had.

The truth of the matter is, writing a book (any book) is hard work. Just getting that first draft of that first book done takes persistence and determination. Then, of course, comes the editing and rewriting and looking at it with fresh eyes and rewriting again and editing again. And that is before an editor ever lays eyes on it.

Work is exactly what writing a book is.

And torture as the manuscript is finally ready and submitted and the waiting begins.

Even after the first book is sold and the next and the next, there is always that feeling of anxiety as another story begins, as another completed manuscript lands on the editor's desk. Plus, there is more work. There are revisions, art fact sheets, copy edits and author alterations. To make writing a career, time must be devoted to it, hours must be spent, passion must be balanced with the knowledge that the book belongs to many more hands and heads than simply the author's.

Which brings me back to why I did not respond to Ted Dekker's bizarre diatribe.

I don't have time to defend what doesn't need to be defended. The books I write are clean and wholesome and fully entertaining. I write because I truly believe it is what I'm meant to do. I write because without writing, I'm not sure who I would be.

What's to defend in that?

So, Ted Dekker's weird rant amused rather than alarmed me. Just as any conversation about the depth and breadth and impact of what I write does. Only God can determine what lives will be touched by my work. The Ted Dekker's of the world can't. Neither can the Shirlee McCoys. Thinking anything else is simply a waste of time and energy.

PS.... Alamo Rangers. I didn't even know they existed, but they do. Cool uniforms, too.

Things That Distract Me When I'm Working On The Dreaded Synopsis

ONE: The Neighbor's Cows





Two: My Daughter Dancing Through the Field




Three: My Sons Taking Their Sweet Time Walking Through the Field





Four: My Daughter Bringing Me Flowers




Five: The Osmosis Egg Which Has Taken On a Life and Personality of Its Own.






Lesson to be learned from this: It doesn't take much to distract Shirlee when she's working on the dreaded synopsis!

Just Thinking

Questions I ask myself as I'm working on the synopsis -


Who is she?

Where is she in her life?

What is she searching for?

How has her past shaped who she is?

What catalyst brings the hero into her life, and what is her first impression of him?

Why can't she fall in love with him?

Why must she?



Then, of course, I repeat the process for the hero.

Anyone working on a synopsis besides me?

The Other Picture

This picture goes with the photo I posted yesterday. Both were taken by my sister while I was in China. She had brought the kids to a local historical church and cemetery, and as they were hiking through the hilly area, they saw the sign. Just a little further up the hill, they found the snake skin. Needless to say, my sister hightailed it out of there with the seven kids running along beside her.

The photos are inspiration as I work on the proposal for my Heroes for Hire book (which may give you hint about some of the action scenes). But, I do think they'd be just as fitting for a my Texas Ranger story!

And We're Back There Again

Yep.

Back where we always must go.

To the dreaded synopsis.

That horrifying place where good writing goes bad. Really, really bad.

Sadly, writing the dreaded synopsis is part of every author's journey. Whether your pre-published, just published or multi-published, you've got to be able to write a thorough summary of your story. This summary must encompass all major plot points, the faith element (if you're writing Christian fiction), the character development, the romantic themes.....

I could go on, but that would be about as boring as writing the synopsis actually is.

Boring. Painful.

But so useful (and there is not even a hint of sarcasm in those words).

Writing a synopsis allows the author and editor to see whether or not the story will actually work. As painful as the process is, it always leaves me understanding my characters and my plot in a way I would not have if I had simply jumped into the story.

To begin writing a synopsis, I first write character sketches for my heroine and my hero. This includes everything about their past, their current situation and the catalyst that will bring them together.

If you're delving into synopsis writing, I'd suggest beginning there, with your characters.

So, on my agenda for the night - character sketches for the hero and heroine in my third Heroes for Hire book.

I may pull out character sketches from previous books and post them here next.

For Every Ending a Beginning

Sabrina asked if I'm taking time off since I have four books coming out next year, but I'm actually not finished fulfilling my contractual obligations to Harlequin. In other words, I haven't finished writing those four books.

It seems strange that I have four books coming out, but only three books written, but that's the way the industry works. Once you are published and established as an author within the Harlequin family, you may decide to do what I've done and write up a proposal for a miniseries. This allows two things. First, it allows your editor to offer you a multi-book contract. Second, it allows your editor to plan the release of your books based on the fact that they are a series.

For me, this meant that when I was offered a contract for the HEROES FOR HIRE miniseries, the editors decided that the best way to market the books and keep readers buying was to make sure that all three books came out next year. At the time of the offer, I was finishing up the 2010 LIS continuity which was slotted for April 2010. Since then, I've completed the continuity and two of the HEROES FOR HIRE stories. The third will be out in November of next year, and I'm writing the proposal for it now.

Once I write that proposal, I have to write the proposal for the LIS 2011 continuity.

For every ending there truly is a beginning.

That's what I love about writing, but it is also what proves the greatest challenge. With no one standing over my shoulder, bugging me about page count, word count and deadlines, it is too easy to fall into procrastination. In order to complete my manuscripts on time, I must force myself to work and to keep working.

In the writing industry, careers are established and maintained by hard work and integrity. As authors, we must always be aware that turning manuscripts in late will hold up production and may even delay the release of a book. Establishing good writing habits before publication is the best way to ensure that they are firmly in place before your first book hits the shelves.

I know I've said it before, but I can't stress it enough - set writing goals and meet them. That's the path to success in the writing world

Which reminds me...I've got 1,950 words left to write today!

BTW, the photos are of VALLEY OF SHADOWS. I happened upon the 'new' version this morning. The first version is at the top. The new one under it.

Heroes For Hire

The cover for the first book in the series is done.

I think it's compelling. Makes me ask questions...and that is always a good thing when it comes to getting people to pick up the book in the store.

Two Words

Texas Rangers.

And a date - 2011.

Where Does a Homeschooling Author Writes?

 

Anywhere she can!

Here, we're at the college for son #1 and #3 piano lessons, and I'm working on line edits for the 2010 Love Inspired Suspense continuity.

What I Wanted to Say.....

My daughter is obviously not a typical child of Asian descent. Her hair is platinum blond, her eyes crystal blue, her skin is fair and burns easily. She does, however, have physical traits passed on by her biological parents. The bridge of her nose, her eye lids, the gorgeous almond shape of her eyes. I often wonder if both of her biological parents had slim, delicate builds. I wonder if her biological mother had long beautiful fingernails and small feet. If her hair was coarse and straight like Cheeky's, or if that trait was passed from biological father to daughter.

All this to say that despite her blond hair and blue eyes it is obvious (if one looks closely enough) that Cheeky is not of Caucasian ancestry. I think the combination of coloring and features is striking, but the hair is what catches people's attention first. Most assume Cheeky is Caucasian, and then they look more closely, and I see the puzzled looks on their faces and I know immediately when they realize there is something...different...about my daughter.

This happened at the grocery store yesterday. Cheeky is always eager to help put things onto the conveyor belt, and she was chatting away with her sister and lifting items from the cart and the cashier was watching her intently. Finally, the woman looked at me and asked if I'd adopted Cheeky. I said yes and she asked if Cheeky was Chinese.

I said, "Yes, she's been home eight weeks."

And the woman said, "Well, I've never seen a Chinese with blond hair."

To which I replied, "Cheeky was born with albinism. Only about one in seventeen-thousand people has albinism."

And she said, "Oh, well, how much did it cost to adopt her?"

And I wanted to say, "How much does it cost to be so insensitive?" but settled with "We had to pay lawyer and agency fees and travel costs. It adds up to a lot." Then I quoted her a ball park figure for international adoption and decided I really needed to come up with a better response to the question. Maybe..."Not nearly as much as she's worth."

Of course, it was too late for that one.

I thought the conversation was over, but apparently the cashier didn't. As she sloooowly rang up one item after another, she called to the cashier across from her..."Hey...(name deleted to protect the innocent)...have you ever seen a blond kid from China?"

And then to me, "Hey, is her vision okay? Because her eyes are moving back and forth."

And everyone in the vicinity turned to look, and that's when my blood started boiling.

I'm not a mean person by nature. I tend to assume the best about people and to accept them where they are for who they are. But at that moment, I could see nothing redeeming about the woman ringing up my purchases and I wanted to turn to the other cashier (who had the decency to look embarrassed) and ask, "Hey, have you ever seen a supposedly intelligent adult who was so ignorant?"

And I wanted to turn to the cashier and say, "Hey, is there something wrong with your brain that you'd say something so stupid?"

But all five of my kids were there, and I have always told my children that people who act defensive do so because they have something to hide or because they are embarrassed or ashamed. I am neither embarrassed nor ashamed by Cheeky's albinism. I think she is beautiful because of it not despite it. If I act defensive when people are insensitive or rude, I will teach her that she has something to be ashamed of, something to hide, something to be embarrassed about.

She does not.

So, I calmly explained that almost all people with albinism have nystagmus. That Cheeky's vision was functionally good, but that she had poor distance vision. The people behind me and at the other register were listening intently, so the mini-lecture on albinism was to a broader audience than the wretched cashier and her embarrassed coworker.

I know there are differing views on how to handle questions and comments about adoption and specifically about albinism. Some parents believe there should be no explanation and no information given. They feel the questions are intrusive and rude. I do not feel I owe anyone an explanation, but I feel I owe it to Cheeky to be as open and informative as I can. Albinism isn't something to be ashamed of but to celebrate. Uniqueness is a gift, and I want more than anything for my daughter to realize that. I also want my other children to learn how to graciously field questions about their sister, to respond with kindness even when that kindness is not reciprocated.

Maybe I should have been rude. I know I wanted to be rude.

My kids, and I talked about it in the van afterward. My oldest son was quite angry, and I told him that I was, too. Not because the questions were asked, but because of the way they were asked. The lesson, I said, is that we cannot control what others say and how they act, but we can control our response.

Even when we don't want to.